The Fourth Step
by DNAPD
Summary: Everyone knows the Waitress isn’t into Charlie. At all. But all that’s about to change.
1. Chapter 1: Charlie Gives Up

**Title: **The Fourth Step

**Summary: **Everyone knows the Waitress isn't into Charlie. At all. But all that's about to change.

**A/N: **You can't call it a cliché because there aren't enough stories up yet. So hah. In fact, if anything I'm a trend setter. This is being written because not only are there not enough Sunny fanfics out there, but everyone knows that everyone else wants Charlie to bang the Waitress, while at the same time, sacrificing none of the humour of Charlie getting abused on the show. Solution? Badly written fanfiction, naturally. From a more writer-y perspective, I wanted to see if I could make two characters as extreme as Charlie and the Waitress plausibly get together without breaking canon or their personalities (meaning expect bare minimum Charlie angst). So if it seems like it couldn't happen in the Sunny universe, or Charlie does something wildly uncharacteristic or something else, I'm doing it wrong, and you should tell me so. In a review.

PS: I don't own anything.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Charlie gives up**

Charlie Kelly was not stalking the Waitress. Nope, Not at all. Definitely not. He really wasn't.

Okay, so Charlie Kelly was blatantly stalking the Waitress, but he wasn't doing it in a creepy way, not in that whole 'I'm going to skulk in the shadows behind you' kind of way.

Okay, so maybe he was _technically _behind her, if you were going to take everything literally (and if you ask Charlie, 'behind' is all about your perspective anyway), and maybe he was _kind of_ skulking in the shadows, but come on, it was night time, and there were a whole lot of trees around and it was pretty much impossible avoiding the dark patches, alright?

All that didn't matter though. The _important_ thing was that Charlie didn't have any ill intentions. None at all. And so he _really_ did not appreciate being sprayed in the eyes with mace like he was some kind of god damned rapist.

"ARRRGH! Oh GOD! _Jeezes_! My _eyes_ are MELTING inside their _sockets_!"

"_What_ are you doing Charlie? You scared the shit out of me."

"Oooh! Heey-oooh… Wow, what are you doing here? This is a nice surprise isn't it?" Charlie choked out cheerfully, hunched over pathetically and wiping at his streaming eyes.

"I _live_ here Charlie, something I know you are unfortunately, _very _much aware of. A better question would be what are _you_ doing here?"

At this point, the Waitress still had her mace out and aimed at Charlie. Charlie didn't really think it was necessary; he was enough protection for her himself, without the mace wasn't he? If anyone was going to attack her, they'd have to get through him first after all, and Charlie wasn't about to let anyone hurt his Waitress with their necks unbitten.

"Well… I was just passing by you know, and oh hey! You live here? Wow! What a coincidence, that's amazing. That's like fate or something right there, you living here, and me, with the walking past at the right time and all."

"No Charlie, it's not fate. It's me having a momentary lapse of sanity and bringing you over one ti- you know what? That's not even important, you're violating your restraining order and if you don't leave right now, I'm calling the police."

"Pshhh, restraining order? What _is_ that really? Just a bunch of papers, and what does 'restraining' even really mean, it's so umbigulous."

"It's 'ambiguous' and no it's not actually, it means-"

"_Anyway_, as I was saying, I was just passing by on my way home-"

"You live on the _other side of town!_"

Charlie continued as though nothing had been said.

"And I _totally_ didn't expect to bump into you or anything like that, but now that you're here, I might as well ask…"

"The answer is no Charlie, the answer has always _been_ no, and it _will always_ be no."

"Wanna go out with me tomorrow night?"

"NO!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"'Cause if you're not sure, I can give you some time to think about it…"

"What part of 'no' don't you understand? I don't need any time to think about it, the answer is 'No'! Now could you please go the _hell_ away?"

Charlie died a little more on the inside at the refusal, but he didn't let it show on his face, fortunately he still had the whole mace episode as an excuse for the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Alright, alright, I can take a hint. I'll just- I'll just go now, but hey, I'll see you at the coffee shop tomorrow?"

"Why don't you just leave me alone?"

"Alright great, see you then! Bye now."

The Waitress shook her head in disbelief as she watched the man who was obsessed with her walk off clumsily, looking back at her every once in a while to give her a painfully awkward smile and a half wave.

"That freak really needs to get a hobby."

* * *

Dee Reynolds was cleaning the pub.

She was cleaning the pub because Charlie was out stalking the Waitress and her asshole brother and his piece of shit roommate were out with Frank doing God didn't want to know what.

She had just finished mopping the floor when the door burst open and Charlie came bumbling through, leaving a trail of mud, dirt and general filth in his wake.

"God damnit Charlie, what the hell! I just mopped that floor!"

Dee didn't know (nor did she ever want to) how it was possible for someone to get so dirty when they had been gone for _maybe_ thirty minutes. Tops! There hadn't even been any rain for Christ's sake, how the hell did he get so muddy?

"Sorry Sweet Dee."

Charlie slumped down at the bar, accepting a beer from Dee and cracked it open morosely. Dee frowned. Sure, if anyone from their gang was going to apologise to her, it was going to be Charlie, but still, that didn't make it a common occurrence. Charlie must have been really depressed.

"Aw what's the matter droopy face, creepy stalking didn't go so well?"

Dee wasn't very good with sympathy.

Charlie spluttered.

"It wasn't stalk-, it's not _creepy_, I just- I was walking, with all the trees and the shadows, and then she was there, and the mace-"

It always sounded more convincing in his head. Always.

"Yep, sure, whatever you say Mr. McStalkyface."

"And I was crying, and it hurt and shi- You know what Dee? I'm over it. I'm over everything."

That sounded worrisome to Dee.

"Over what? You aren't going to off yourself right now are you Charlie? Because I could get blamed for this, being the only one in the room with you at the time and all. So if you're gonna do that, do it later, maybe when Dennis comes back. I'll just leave you two alone and then-"

"What? No I'm not going to- …What? Why would I want to off myself Dee? I'm just over the whole Waitress thing. I mean, who am I kidding, it's never gonna work out, she hates me."

Dee couldn't believe her ears.

"You're giving up?"

Charlie sighed, "Yeah I guess so. Dude, she threatens to call the police every time she sees me, she sprays me with mace for no reason, she's taken a _goddamn_ restraining order on me. I'm no Einstein, or Norton or anything, but even I can take a hint sometimes."

Dee _really_ couldn't believe her ears.

"_You're _giving up."

Charlie stared, "Uh… yeah Dee, that's what I just said, were you even listening?"

"_YOU'RE GIVI- _you. Charlie Kelly. The one who stalks the Waitress on a nightly basis, the one who keeps a notebook of her every move, the one who pays spies to follow her around, the one who gave a nest of hornets to her ex-fiancé for hurting her, the one who _wrote an entire musical just to propose to her_. YOU. You're just- you're giving up?"

Charlie was silent for a while, staring at his beer bottle intensely and tracing patterns on his muddy, never-been-washed jeans absentmindedly, before affirming in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am."

Normally Dee would have been ready with a quick and cutting comment about how Charlie had brought it upon himself by being so damn creepy about his obsession, but instead, Dee was hit with a surge of anger; anger at the Waitress for inflicting such a pained expression on one of her friends' faces.

Sure Charlie wasn't the brightest person around, everyone and their mother knew that. Sure Charlie had once pushed her to the ground in his haste to escape and left her to her fate when attacked by an armed mugger, sure Charlie huffed glue, had poor hygiene, a habit of dressing up in that ridiculous 'Green man' get-up and had screwed her over more times than she could count, but despite all that, Charlie was her friend, and shit did not fly when Deandra Reynolds' friends got screwed over by somebody that was not Sweet Dee herself.

"You know what Charlie?"

Charlie looked up at her dejectedly.

"What?"

"Good for you. Stupid bitch wasn't that hot anyway."

Not as hot as herself in any case.

"Hey, hey now, she's not stupid, or a bitch. She's just… out of my league I guess."

Dee couldn't really refute that, few non-prostitutes were within Charlie's league.

"Screw her Charlie, or you know, don't because you're over that stuff, but yeah, she's not worth shit compared to you."

Charlie chuckled at that, albeit a bit self-deprecatingly.

"I mean it Charlie. Seriously, she banged Dennis, and _Frank_. Clearly she has no taste in men."

This got a real laugh out of Charlie.

"Well that's true, can't argue with that logic."

"Right? So let's forget about that whore and drink ourselves stupid, then we'll go with Mac and Dennis to the coffee shop tomorrow and blast that bitch at work in the morning."

"Shit, Sweet Dee, when did you get so cool?"

Dee smirked, "I've always been cool dickface, now let's get ourselves plastered."

"Wait, wait, wait. Before we do that, I got one more question."

Dee frowned, had Charlie even asked a question before then?

"You know that restraining order the Waitress took out on me?"

"Yeah… why are you asking about that? I thought you were over her."

"No, no, no, I am… it's just… what does 'restrain' even mean? I mean, it must be French or some shit am I right?"

Dee sighed.

"God damnit Charlie."

At least he was back to normal.

* * *

**Footnote:** Okay, so to be clear, this is going to be Waitress/Charlie, no Dee/Charlie bullshit going on. I don't want to rush the relationship, because I don't think that does justice to the characters, so don't expect any sudden changes of heart. Speaking of characters, and doing them justice; did I? I'm trying to keep them as true to the show as possible, because that's why I fell in love with it, so I'd like to know if I'm doing a good job or if I should just never write anything ever again. Title doesn't really make sense as of yet, but I'm going to draw a very broad allusion to it at some point, just so it doesn't come across as completely random, even though it really is just that.

Feedback would be much appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2: The Second 'N'

**Title: **The Fourth Step

**Summary: **Everyone knows the Waitress isn't into Charlie. At all. But all that's about to change.

**A/N:** Sweet, Chapter 2. No warm and fuzzies from the Waitress just yet (like, at all), but waiting makes the prize all the sweeter right? She'll come around, I mean, come on! It's Charlie! This chapter has dialogue. Lot's of it. Which is a great way for me to practice characterization; hopefully you guys can tell who's saying what without me spelling it out for you.

PS: I don't own anything.

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Second 'N'**

Dennis Reynolds was tired. Dennis Reynolds was tired and hungover. Dennis Reynolds was tired, hungover and up before noon at the coffee shop. He, quite understandably did not want to be there, in fact, he could think of a million better places to be than 'there'. His bed for instance.

Heck, Dennis didn't even know _why the hell_ he was here in the first place, and he was quick to say as much.

Charlie paused in his (habitual, he swears) scanning for the Waitress to call his friend out on his inattentiveness. "Dude weren't you listening?"

"Charlie, I gave up listening to your words sometime around when you decided to give up on the _English language._"

"Wow seriously? You mean you haven't been listening to me since the third grade? I don't think you even knew me back then dude."

"What do you mean back in the thir- Look, never mind, just tell me why the crap I'm here alright?"

"Well I don't know if I even want to tell you now that I know you haven't been listening to me since the _third grade_."

"CHARLIE IF YOU DON'T TELL ME RIGHT NOW SO HELP ME I'LL-"

"Whoa, whoa dude, relax. Let the man tell us why he and your sister dragged two helpless, hungover men out of bed and into a coffee shop at eight fucking thirty in the morning… and then we'll kill him." Mac interjected placing the hand that wasn't massaging his aching head on his irate roommate's shoulder in a calming gesture.

Dee decided it was time to intervene.

"Guys, Charlie's going through a tough transition and needs your support okay?"

Dennis scoffed.

"A 'tough transition'? What is that? A _'tough transition'. _I have a _hangover_, Dee_._ From drinking. Beer. What could possibly be tougher than that? Did Charlie like finally come out of the closet or some shit?"

"What the hell man? I'm not gay dude, why would you even say that?"

"Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but some of the stuff you do _is_ pretty gay little man."

"Oh really. Really Dennis? Name one thing."

"I think 'The Nightman' pretty much says it all."

"Oh _come on_! Are you still on about that shit man? 'The Nightman' isn't gay okay? He's just a- just a _powerful_ character is all."

"Oh yeah, because, and I quote: 'pin me down with your strong arms, you pin me down, and I try to fight you, you come inside me' isn't in the least bit rapey or homosexual."

"'_Rapey'_? Really Dennis?"

"He's not _raping_ me, I'm _becom-_"

"…Yeah, I'm going to have to side with Dennis on that one. It was pretty gay dude."

"What? Mac, oh come on, Dee, tell them they're crazy."

"Erm… Nope sorry, it was _pretty_ much irrefutably gay."

"You know what? You guys suck, you know that? You really do, I hate you al-"

"Charlie, just tell us why we're here."

Charlie sighed.

"I'm giving up on the Waitress. I mean, it's pretty obvious she hates me, and I just wanted to tell her that I'm going to leave her alone from now on."

Charlie mustered up a heart-wrenching, half-hearted grin for his friends.

"Mm… hmm… right… sure whatever, look, I'm going to go now, so yeah, have fun with that."

"Yeah man, let's go, there's like a Starbucks right across the road from here."

Dennis and Mac were decidedly unphased.

Dee was appalled.

"You guys! Charlie is obviously going through some emotionally rough times; you can't just bail on him. He needs our support."

Dennis was incredulous. Was Dee really that stupid?

"Okay, first of all, I can bail on whoever I want. Second, you don't really expect me to believe that _Charlie_ has given up on the _Waitress_ do you? Because if you do, your puny little female brain is even more defective than I could have possibly imagined."

"You asshole, are you for real? You are a _horrible _friend. And what does me being female have to do with anything anyway? Look just shut up and stay put you son of a bitch, she's coming over."

Dennis rolled his eyes and sat back in his seat. He'd stay, but only because he was an awesome friend and Dee needed to realise that. He still wasn't entirely convinced that Charlie had given up on the Waitress for real, but if he had, good for him. Dennis had never seen what all the fuss was about anyway. She was a terribly average lay.

The Waitress approached their table; a scowl visibly painted on her face. Charlie started shredding his napkin.

"Great. You assfaces again, why can't you all just leave me the hell alone?"

She glared around the group, lingering noticeably on Dennis.

Dennis thought that sometimes she was so in love with him it was ridiculous.

"Don't worry, I didn't even want to be here, there's a Starbucks right there; just across the road you know."

Dennis smirked as her glare intensified.

Oh yeah, she definitely wanted him.

A sharp pain lanced through his shin suddenly.

"OW! Fuck man! That fucking hurt!"

Charlie glared at him.

"Oh really? Did it really hurt? Oh I'm sorry. My foot must have slipped."

Dennis scowled. He knew Charlie wasn't really sorry.

The Waitress turned her glare onto Charlie. He shrugged sheepishly and attempted an innocent smile in return.

"Well whatever, if you guys aren't ordering anything, I'm leaving."

"Al-righty then, great! Might as well head over to Starbucks then guys."

Mac was already standing up and Dennis was nodding his head in agreement.

The Waitress turned to leave with a roll of her eyes and Charlie stood up in a hurry, scattering shredded bits of napkin all over the floor.

"No no no no, w-wait a second, let's just all calm down. No one's going to head over to Starbucks here." Charlie stammered.

The Waitress turned back exasperatedly.

"Are you going to order something then?"

Charlie cringed.

"Well… I don't... I don't exactly have any _money_… or anything that I could er... _pay _with per say..."

His friends all nodded in confirmation. None of them had any money. None of them ever really had any money

"No kidding. I'm outta here."

"Wait. WAIT! I just- I just wanted to say something."

The Waitress sent her eyes heavenward, mentally preparing for another inevitable question to flat out rejection conversation.

"I er… I just… er…"

The Waitress tapped her feet impatiently.

"You just what? Wanted to go out to dinner? Just spit it out Charlie so I can refuse already and get on with my day."

"IjustwantedtotellyouI'mnotstalkingyouanymore." Charlie blurted out.

The Waitress blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"I just, I just wanted you to know that I can take a hint and I'm gonna… I'm gonna leave you alone from now on."

Charlie's shoulders drooped as he said it. It sounded so much more final out loud; like something he couldn't take back.

The Waitress was sceptical.

"Oh really. You're just going to stop, just like that."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"After all those times I've asked you to leave me alone, and you never did. You decide now, out of the blue, for no reason at all, to stop stalking me?"

Charlie nodded, a bit miserably.

"And I'm supposed to _believe_ you? What have you done now? Taken my family hostage? Are you going to use them as ransom to make me marry you? What is your plan exactly?"

Charlie cringed again; this wasn't going exactly the way he planned. Though that suggestion _was_ a good idea now that he'd come to think of it. Not that he'd go through with it now, nope, no way.

"There's no plan! There's no plan okay? You were unhappy with me stalking you, I realise that now, and I'm going to stop. I- I didn't mean to make you unhappy."

"…You mean it? You _really_ mean it."

"No not real- I mean, yeah. Yes! I mean it."

The Waitress blinked again, surprised, but never one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Well… good. That's… good."

"I even drew up some legal documents for you to sign… legalising that… verbal contract 'cause you know, I happen to know a fair bit about the law and all."

Charlie pulled them out.

"Charlie, these are pictures. Drawn with crayon."

"No they're words, see this? This says-"

"Look, I'm not signing these, as far as I know, they're attempting to bind me to you as some kind of sex slave or something equally disgusting. Just leave me the hell alone."

"Right. Right, I can do that."

The Waitress turned to leave.

"Can I get a final goodbye hug?"

"NO Charlie! Just leave me the hell alone!"

And with that, the Waitress left the rather shell-shocked group alone.

Dennis was stunned.

"Dude. I can't believe it. You did it, you actually did it."

"Yeah man I told you I would didn't I?"

Charlie sat down, he didn't feel so great. It felt almost as bad as when he finished his pre-sleep ritual of cat food, beer and glue. Dee took his hand, squeezed it and smiled sympathetically at him. Charlie thought she'd be the most awesome friend ever if only she wasn't a girl.

"I just can't believe you actually went through with it. You got all the way to the second 'N' man!"

"I know, I kn- what?"

"The second 'N'! You know; the Fourth step!"

"…What the hell are you talking about bro'?"

"Are you retarded? Don't answer that. The _Second 'N'_. 'Neglect Emotionally'. The D-E-N-N-I-S system? You pulled it off man!"

"What do you mean I pull- I wasn't trying to pull anything man."

Mac snapped his fingers,

"Oh shit! The D-E-N-N-I-S system! I totally forgot about that, Charlie you sly son of a bitch, nice work man."

"Look dude, I wasn't trying to pull anything man, I just wanted to get out of her life, let her live it, and maybe get on with my own."

"Yeah sure bro', we getcha, we know what you mean, playing the _'innocent card'_, nice one."

"_Innocent car-_"

"Man you picked up on that better than I thought, I'm proud of ya buddy, good luck with that. Meanwhile, Mac and I are gonna go grab some real coffee from that Starbucks over there. Wanna come?"

"What? I-"

"You just said you didn't have any mon-"

"No? Too bad, see ya later."

And with that, Mac and Dennis were gone. Charlie was left staring at the empty seats left behind by their abrupt departure.

"What just happened Dee?"

"No idea Charlie, no freaking idea."

* * *

**Footnote:** And that's it folks, chapter 2. I told you there was a lot of dialogue. It was originally meant to be two scenes like the first chapter, but somehow, as I was writing, the coffee shop scene just got longer and longer and eventually became its own chapter. Hopefully you guys enjoyed it though, not much romance, but I warned you it'd be slow going (I promise it'll be continuous and enjoyable though!) and it was an important chapter plot-wise in terms of actually setting up the beginning of a new relationship between Charlie and the Waitress.

Feedback would be much appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3: Charlie’s Mom’s a Slut

**Title: **The Fourth Step

**Summary: **Everyone knows the Waitress isn't into Charlie. At all. But all that's about to change.

**A/N:** Chapter 3. An interlude chapter really, but you get to see me attempt to write Mrs. Kelly, Drunk Mrs. Kelly and Frank so it's all good, I mean come on, look at the chapter name! I decided to use American spelling, even though I'm Australian because well, the show is set in America. I may slip up though, so feel free to point out any mistakes. No Waitress appearance, I can't have her see Charlie _every_ chapter; he means it when he says he's going to stop stalking her.

Note: it was brought to my attention very kindly be a reviewer that Kelley =/= Kelly, which is pretty mortifying actually and I don't know why I spelt it the way I did, so this has been changed. Sorry about that.

PS: I don't own anything.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Charlie's Mom's a S%$**

Charlie was walking towards his Mom's house.

It was in Charlie's opinion that in today's throw-away society, young men just did not visit the ones who had nurtured them all the way from birth till adulthood often enough.

It didn't matter that Mrs. Kelly had a history of being a bit… promiscuous and had subsequently slept with more men than Charlie could count up to (which wasn't a whole lot, but still more than old people should _ever_ have sex with!), one of whom included _Frank_ (Charlie did not like to think about the fact that his mother and his almost, sort of, kind of, could-have-been, potential girlfriend had _both_ banged his probable father) or that she had attempted to abort him with a _coat hanger_ or that she had (inadvertently) basically ruined any and all Christmas's Charlie had ever had, and ever would have in future.

No.

All that mattered was that Mrs. Kelly was Charlie's _Mom_, and that alone was enough reason for Charlie to want to pay her a visit.

Okay, so she _did_ make a pretty mean batch of cookies, and Charlie _was_ a comfort eater. But that was only a small part of the reason he was visiting her.

Well it wasn't the entire reason he was visiting her.

… It wasn't the _only _reason he was visiting her.

Okay, so Charlie liked cookies. Was that such a bad thing? Did that make Charlie a bad, terrible man? Was Charlie a _horrible _person for liking cookies?

Charlie didn't think so.

Charlie had barely finished pulling his fist away from the door before it had opened and his mother was there, filling the doorway and looking concerned.

"Whoa- Oh my Go- How di- How did you know I was-"

"Oh dear. What's the matter Charlie? Is something wrong?"

He spluttered.

"Nothing's the matter, why would you think that? Why would you think something's the matter? Does it look like something's the matter?"

Charlie had thought he had been looking fairly composed considering the situation, but apparently his mother could read him even better than everyone else seemed to be able to.

"Charlie dear, you only ever visit when something's the matter, or you want some cookies, did you want any cookies?"

His mother was a dirty liar.

"What? Pffft Ma, cookies? I mean, come on! You know that's not- it's not- what, with the throw-awa-… I visit you plenty!"

"Charlie, the last time you visited me; you-"

Luckily Charlie had a distraction prepared just in case this particular conversation came up.

"Oh _look_, would you look at this! I brought some vodka! Some lovely, delicious, Russian vodka! Isn't that great Ma?"

"Oh! Well why didn't you say so, dear? I'll go get the cups."

Sometimes Charlie wondered if perhaps his mother was to blame for his alleged alcohol problems.

Five screwdrivers and a shitload of shots later, Charlie was speaking much more liberally about his recent ordeals.

"'nd the Waitresth, like, she'th hot man, you know? But I dun wanna like, just, jutht bang her, you know? You know wha' I mean? I mean, I wan- wanna _bang_ her 'nd all- who wouldn'? Bu' I wanna like, I wanna like marry her or… or shomethin'. I 'unno."

Mrs. Kelly was happily pouring herself another shot; getting equal amounts on the table as in the glass.

"Bu' she'th all like, nah man, you can- you can't do shit like tha', you can'th like, surprizzzzze me at home wit' a- a fixed sink or, or put love letterth under m' pillow while I'm sleepin', I mean, that'sh bullshi'! What'th a guy to _do_ man?"

"You know what I think Charlie-kins –hic-?"

"Wha' ma?"

"She sounds like a goddamn whore, that's what. Making you cry like that. That whore bitch isn't good enough for my darling little boy. She can go rot in hell where she belongs."

It really wasn't fair that his mother could hold her liquor better than he could. Really, she didn't even have a goddamn slur.

"Heeeey… HEY! She'th… she'th not a whore, okay? Y-… you're a whore."

Mrs. Kelly wasn't offended, in fact she just giggled.

"Oh Charlie dear, -hic- how else was I supposed to pay for your school fees and all your Christmas presents? Being a single mother to a darling little boy isn't easy you know."

"You couldn' like- could'n like get a job… or sometin'? Ya hadta sell yer- yer body?"

"Oh, I'd do anything for my little Charlie-kins. Now, how about those cookies?"

Mrs. Kelly may have been a giant slut, but sometimes, Charlie still loved his mother.

* * *

Frank Reynolds was hungry. He was hungry as all shit and he couldn't cook his goddamn meal because the goddamn radiator was broken. He couldn't fix it either, that was Charlie Work.

No one touched Charlie Work except Charlie.

Who was not here and by extension; not fixing his radiator.

Where the hell was that boy?

Now normally, Frank couldn't have given two shits about where Charlie was, but he had received a rather alarming phone call from Deandra informing him of the Waitress debacle and more importantly, he was goddamned hungry.

Frank Reynolds was a hungry, hungry man.

Just as he was about to make do with a can of cat food, the door swept open and Charlie stumbled in; mostly sober from the walk home.

"Charlie! Where the hell have ya been? I've been waiting for hours fer ya to fix the damn radiator. I'm starving as all shit, fix the damn thing and whip up a Charlie Special fer me will ya?"

"Sorry man, I was over at Ma's just paying her a visit ya know and-"

"Jeezes! Is something wrong Charlie?"

"Wha- Oh my God. Nothing's wrong! Can a guy not visit his Mom for no reason now? Is that _bad_? Is it against some kind of _law_? Cause I haven't seen it on Law and Order so I don't think-"

"Shit, calm down Charlie, I didn't mean nuttin' by it. … Are ya gonna fix the radiator or what?"

Charlie snorted.

"'Oh hello Charlie, it's good to see you back, I was so worried about you! Yes I was. Glad to see you didn't get hurt and/or raped on the way home, really I am. I'm sorry, but I seem to have broken your radiator, which is _yours_ and not mine would you mind fixing it so _we_ can have some dinner?' Oh sure Frank, I'd be happy to, since you asked so nicely."

Frank frowned. Sometimes, Charlie had worse mood swings than some broad on her rag.

"Are you giving me lip boy? 'Cause hell, I'm paying your rent. I practically own this shithole."

"Oh I'm sorry, whose name is on the lease? Was it Charlie's? Was Charlie's name on the lease?"

"I could stop living here any time Charlie."

"'_I could stop living here any time Charlie'_ Oh okay! And go where Frank? Huh? Where would you go?"

"Easy. I'd go bunk with yer Mom."

"You stay away from her Frank, you're mine, she can't have you."

"Look, just fix the damn radiator will ya?"

"Yeah absolutely."

Charlie grabbed a screwdriver and hammer and began to work on the radiator.

"Er… I don't think that's how yer supposed to do it Charlie."

"Er… I think I know how to fix my own radiator Frank; I've had this thing for years. You just gotta shove this thing down here… and sort of jiggle it around a bit…"

A rather loud sound emitted from the radiator, making Frank jump.

"Jeezes, I think you broke it even more."

"Nah Frank, that's normal, she's just gotta let off some steam."

"'_She'_? Your radiator's a girl?"

Charlie stared at Frank. Had the man really been living at his apartment, or had he been under a rock this whole time?

"Er… yeah man, of course Brenda's a she."

Frank stared back blankly.

Charlie sighed, did he have to explain everything?

"Dude, it's like- like man code or something bro'… do you really not know this? Do I really have to explain this to you? It's like everything we own that's a machine, we gotta name it after a girl, 'cause they do all the work for us you know? Like actual girls."

"So we gotta name all our machines after broads."

"Totally dude."

"I don't get it.

"Wha- It's like cars, you know? You buy a car, and you name it after some chick and- oh forget it, go ask Mac, it made sense when he explained it to me."

Frank nodded. Of course he had heard it from Mac, that explained a lot actually. Sometimes, he really did not understand their generation.

The radiator let out another bang.

"Hey ooooh! There we go. All fixed."

"Seriously? Nice work Charlie."

"Thanks buddy. Now how about I whip us up a couple of 'Charlie Specials' huh?"

"Best idea I've heard all night, I'm starving."

Soon Frank and Charlie were sitting down on their shared futon, watching TV and eating their meal.

Frank decided it was as good a time as any to bring up the phone call. Best to get it out of the way before Charlie decided to angst about it.

"Deandra called and told me about the Waitress thing. I'm sorry kid."

Charlie glanced away from the television at Frank.

"Yeah well, don't worry about it, you didn't do anything."

"'Didn't do anything?' I _banged_ her Charlie."

That was the wrong thing to say. Frank knew this as soon as the words had left his mouth.

Charlie was silent for a few moments.

Frank was a dead man walking, and he knew it.

"Oh that's right, you did. You _sure did _didn't you? Say, didn't we already have a _discussion_ about this _Frank_?"

"R-right, I-I'm sorr-"

"Right, right. And I seem to remember that we had an agreement. Didn't we? Didn't we Frank? See, I thought we agreed not to talk about that. Ever. You remember what I said would happen if we talked about it don't you?"

Frank paled.

"C-come on Charlie, ya… ya weren't serious about… _that _were ya?"

Frank chuckled nervously. He was joking, surely. Charlie was a nice kid, if a bit stupid. He wouldn't… he wouldn't-

"Oh. Oh I was serious. Very, very serious."

"Now Charlie, l-let's just calm down and talk about this like adults, alright?"

"Oh we're passed that now Frank. We're _well_ passed that stage by now."

"Ya can't mean…"

"That's exactly what I mean Frank. Now give it to me."

"No Charlie, p-please, I don't want to, anything but that."

"Be a man and give it to me all hard-like Frank."

"No!"

"Frank, you're going to give it to me, and you're going to like it."

"Ya can't make me Charlie."

The lights flickered.

Frank shivered. Goddamn did the electricity in this shithole stink.

"Oh, I can't make you? Is that what you said Frank? I _can't make you_? Oh. We'll see about that."

Not even the yowling of a hundred alley cats could block out Frank's screams that night.

* * *

**Footnote:** It's not what you think. You dirty, dirty pervert. Get your mind out of the gutter. I do love Charlie and Frank's relationship though. I also love evil!Charlie. That scene in 'Mac bang's Dennis' Mom' with Sugar plum fairy playing in the background is one of my favourites. "I know something you don't know…" Anyway, no Waitress, as I said, but you got to see Charlie interacting with other characters which is cool right? She'll be making a tonne of appearances starting from next chapter so don't worry. The relationship ball will begin rolling very soon.

Feedback would be much appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4: The ‘Jealousy Angle’

**Title: **The Fourth Step

**Summary: **Everyone knows the Waitress isn't into Charlie. At all. But all that's about to change.

**A/N:** Oh what the hell, it's Chapter 4. Wherein, I write a short scene involving the Waitress' point of view (which is quite hard actually, considering I can't make her cold and sarcastic towards herself). To those expecting a warm reception from her to Charlie. You are stupid, stupid people who I am going to disappoint thoroughly (well okay, maybe not _completely_ thoroughly). Feelings don't change over-chapter bub. I also made an unintentional pun, see if you can spot it. Oh, and before I forget, if anyone has any requests for an IASIP oneshot that they might want me to write, feel free to drop me a PM and I'll see what I can do.

PS: I don't own anything.

* * *

**Chapter 4: The 'Jealousy Angle'**

The Waitress was working the cash register.

By 'working' of course, she meant she was standing near the machine in question in a vain attempt to feel like she was actually doing something.

Which she wasn't.

It was very difficult to serve customers who weren't actually there. Customers who were, as a matter of fact, across the road at Starbucks. A fact which put the Waitress in a very black mood.

After all, there were few things in the world the Waitress hated more than Starbucks.

The ringing of the bell at the entrance of the coffee shop signalled the arrival of one of those things.

She knew it had been too good to be true.

"God damn it. Oh my God, God damn it. I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. You were never planning on leaving me alone were you? God _damn_ it, why can't you just give up? It's _never_ going to happen, Charlie. _Never_."

The object of her loathing had by this point, made his way to the register and had his hands up in surrender; eyes wide.

"Whoa, okay. Good morning to you too. Nice weather today. Just wanted a coffee, but apparently, it's Everybody Yell at Charlie Day, so just go right ahead."

The Waitress had seen that look and heard that spiel too many times. It hadn't fooled her after the first time (and if it wasn't for her damn soft-heartedness, it wouldn't have worked then either) and it wasn't going to fool her now.

"What are you doing here Charlie? You said you were going to leave me alone."

Charlie chuckled nervously.

"Was that me? Did I say that? 'Cause I'm _pretty_ sure I didn't put it _exactly_ like that bu- Hey! You look nice today, get a haircut? Is that a new uniform?"

Nobody could make the Waitress angrier with a compliment than Charlie.

"A 'new uniform'. A '_new uniform'_? No, Charlie. This is not a new uniform. This is the same uniform that I wore last time you were here, remember? That time when you said you would _leave me the HELL alone_? I might need a new one after today though, I hear blood stains are _pretty_ hard to wash out."

Charlie swallowed visibly. Was the Waitress usually this scary?

"Right, blood stains, look actually, I-"

"You know what? Fuck it. I'm calling the police. You're in violation of your restraining order _again_. This has gone far enough Charlie. I've given you _more _than enough chances to _back off_, and you haven't taken them. _God_, I didn't want to actually resort to thi-"

Charlie panicked. 'I'm calling the police' were words that Charlie had heard all too often, and it never seemed to end well for him.

"_I just wanted a coffee!_"

The Waitress paused despite herself at the shriek, fingers ready to dial the number that would finally end all her troubles (for the day at least). It would be so easy… and she had been itching to do it for such a _long_ time…

Charlie took her internal debate as an opportunity to start a rambling explanation.

"I- I just wanted a coffee! I meant it when I said I'd leave you alone, I swear! It- It's just that I woke up this morning, and I wanted a coffee, and I said to myself, 'now where am I going to get coffee from?' And Frank was like, 'at a coffee shop', and I was like 'Oh yeah dude' so I left my apartment and walked and walked and then I ended up here, and I was like ooohh… crap, I'm not meant to be here, but I had already walked so _far_, and I hate Starbucks and I didn't _mean_ to-"

The Waitress blinked.

"Wait, what did you say?"

"Well I woke up this morning, and I wanted a coffee, and I said to myself, 'now where am I-"

"_No_. That's not what I- Just shut up. Shut up Charlie. Did you say you hated Starbucks?"

"Well yeah, I mean they're like- like corporate or some shit, with all their fancy couches, and their caramel moc- mocchi- moc things or whatever. I mean, they must make so much _money_, and then there's me, poor Charlie; poor Charlie with no money. Their coffee isn't even that great anyway and-"

The Waitress stared.

"That's… that's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say Charlie."

Charlie perked up.

"It is?"

"You say some pretty stupid things."

"Yeah- Oh."

The Waitress sighed. She was going to regret this.

"Look, you can order coffee here, but only because we need every customer we can get and _only_ if you don't hit on me. Ever. In fact, don't even talk to me unless you're ordering."

Charlie was pleasantly surprised.

"Really? Sweet dude! Does that mean that I-"

"You're talking to me."

"But-"

"You're talking to me."

"But I-"

"You're _talking_ to me Charlie."

Charlie made a peculiar half cry of frustration in the back of his throat.

"I'll get a medium latte, please."

The Waitress rolled her eyes, grinning internally.

Life was looking up.

* * *

Mac was having an intelligent discussion with Dennis.

"Dude, the second 'N', he got up to the _second 'N'_! Shit man, I didn't know he had it in him."

"Oh I knew. I knew he'd pull it off eventually. The D-E-N-N-I-S system is flawless, Mac. Flawless. Even Charlie couldn't screw it up. Although I must admit I _am_ surprised he took to it so well."

"You know, we should totally help him out, he's been after that chick for years."

"Oh my God. You two aren't still thinking Charlie's doing this because of your stupid _system_ are you?"

"My Garbage Pail Kids…"

At least, Mac was _trying_ to have an intelligent discussion with Dennis. Sometimes Dee trying to assert herself as a 'voice of reason' was cute, if ridiculous (come on, she was a _woman_), but most of the time, it was fucking annoying.

"Uh, yeah Dee. Because he is. Why the fuck else would he stop stalking the Waitress? He's obsessed with that chick."

"Yeah, don't insult the system Dee, there is nothing wrong with the system."

"Oh why else? Why else would he stop stalking the Waitress? Oh I don't know, maybe because he wants to move _on_ with his life? And the 'system' is terrible Dennis. _Everything_ is wrong with the system; no girl in their right mind would fall for something so stupid."

Dennis scoffed.

"Three quarters of a major, and nothing to show for it. Nothing at all."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"He took my Garbage Pail Kids…"

"It _means_ that clearly, despite being dubiously female yourself, you have no understanding of female psycholo-"

"'_Dubiously female'?_ What does that even- Okay you know what? The system is _stupid_ Dennis. It's a stupid, stupid system."

"All gone…"

"No. No it isn't. You see Deandra, girls-"

"Stupid system."

"Girls-"

"Stuuupid."

"Girls like-"

"Very, very stupid."

"Your stupid."

"Your face is stupid!"

"He took 'em all. All of them…"

"My face is- Oh okay. I see. Yeah. Well, I see _you_ haven't quite managed to stop looking like a giant bird just yet."

"I do not look like a giant bir-"

"BRAWK, BRAWK, BRAWK-"

"Oh is this what we're doing? Is this what we're doing now? Well-"

"Gotta get them back, gotta get them back somehow-"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!"

Mac had had enough.

"Jesus _Christ_, stop arguing! You're worse than an old married couple. _Jeezes_, if you weren't related, I'd tell you to bang already and get rid of all that sexual tension."

Dennis and Dee retched simultaneously.

"Oh _gross_, Mac-"

"Yeah come on, Mac, that's just disgusting. I mean, I'd rather bang _Charlie_ than my own brother."

Mac's hand paused in its task of massaging his weary head.

"What did you say?"

"I said that's disgus-"

"No after that."

"I'd rather bang Charlie than Dennis?"

"That's pretty gross too, Dee."

"The alternative is my _brother_, Dennis. That's _you_!"

"But how to get them back? Gotta- Gotta find a way…"

Mac had an idea.

"Guys, guys, that's _it_!"

Dee and Dennis turned to stare at him, faces twisted in identical expressions of confusion.

"That's how we can help Charlie! I mean, he's up to the fourth step right? 'Neglect emotionally'? What better way to neglect a girl emotionally, than to date another chick?"

Dennis was interested.

"I think I like where you're going with this Mac, date some other chick to get the girl. The jealousy angle."

"Exactly! The jealousy angle! We get some chick to start dating Charlie, the Waitress gets jealous, and BAM! He's in."

"Wow. Just wow. And I thought you two couldn't get any dumber, that's just never going to wor-"

"And do you know who the perfect girl to find for Charlie is Dennis?"

"Deandra?"

"Deandra Reynolds."

Mac gave Dennis a high-five.

Damn. Sometimes he was so smart, he even scared himself. Pure genius.

"What?! No. No way, I'm not dating Charlie to make the Waitress _jealous_. It's never going to work, besides, he's given up on her."

"Come on Sweet Dee, you'd be perfect! You've known him for a long time, you're good friends…"

"They say the best relationships start from friendships."

"He even kissed you that one time when the McPoyles took us hostage. Yeah, don't think I didn't see that."

"Oh no shit?"

"Yeah man, it was pretty gross."

"Okay, first of all, that was one time, and I had Stockholm's Syndrome! Secondly, no! I'm not doing it, Charlie's moved on, let's all just leave him alone, and let him adjust."

Mac sighed.

"Maybe she's right Dennis, I mean I don't think she's even cut out for it."

"Oh absolutely, I don't think Charlie would even _want_ to date her."

"I mean, look at her, she looks like a- a giant skeleton bird thing."

"Getting on in years…"

"Crows feet."

"Fivehead."

"I'll use the gun, yeah, the gun…"

"Even Charlie has standards-"

"Okay you know what? You guys are assholes. You know that? Fine. I'll go out on _one _date with Charlie. _One_ date. God damn it. God damn you sons of bitches."

Mac grinned. Damn he was good.

The man in question chose this moment to enter the pub.

"Hey oooh, what's u-"

He was met with the point of Frank's gun.

"Charlie ya son of a bitch, give me back those Garbage Pail Kids 'fore I blow ya brains out."

"Holy shit dude! You still carrying that thing around? Is that- is that loaded? Of course it's loaded, shit ma-"

"Put the gun down Frank, dead Charlies are bad for business."

"Yeah dude, Charlie can't clean up the dead body if he _is_ the body."

"He took my Garbage Pail Kids! He needs to die!"

"Hey those were mine originally dude, and we had a deal, if you ever talked about banging the Waitress, you'd have to hand them over, and you're trying to get out of it now? That's not cool man. Not cool."

"Oooh shit… you talked about banging the Waitress? You have a death wish man."

"It just slipped out! Couldn't help it."

"Yeah well, the damage is done Frank, those Garbage Pail Kids are mi-"

"Charlie, we're going out. This Friday. Eight o'clock. I'm picking you up. Don't sweat too much."

Dee stood up and left. She needed to lock herself up in her apartment and drink.

"-ne and- wait, wha- what did- what?"

Mac and Dennis high-fived once more.

"Mission accomplished."

* * *

**Footnote:** There we have it, Chapter 4. I remember mentioning that there'd be no Dee/Charlie bullshit going on… I didn't lie I swear, it'll all pan out. The pun (assuming you found it) was entirely unintentional I promise, I only caught it after proof-reading, and I was like: Huh, that's… well… yeah.

Feedback would be much appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5: Things Get Awkward

**Chapter 5: Things Get Awkward**

Charlie Kelly was not stalking the Waitress.

And he actually, honest to God meant it this time, which begged the question: Why the shit was he currently staring at her back from behind in a supermarket aisle?

Charlie did not have an answer.

Well actually, that wasn't entirely true. He did know the answer. Charlie was a growing boy; one who occasionally needed to eat substances that weren't from the garbage or meant for cats. He and Frank were out of food; Frank was a lazy piece of shit who claimed that since he was going to be paying for the grog- er… grub, Charlie should be the one to pick it up. So he had gone to the supermarket, without even complaining all that much because he was awesome like that and besides, Charlie wanted to eat beans, and Frank never wanted to eat beans, so well tough shit Frank because Charlie was going to get some God damned beans.

Apparently the Waitress liked beans as well.

In Charlie's eyes, this was yet another sign that they were _clearly_ meant to be together, and maybe it was even bigger than that, and it was God's way of telling him that he should walk up to her right now; maybe give her a nice, warm hug from behind, and really, who could begrudge him if he were to take a quick sniff of her neck since he was already there and all and then he could ask her out on a-

No, Charlie was over the Waitress. Totally.

In fact, he was so over her, that he was going to stop staring at her in a supermarket aisle, as she reached up to grab a can of delicious, delicious beans from the top shelf and her shirt rode up just that _tiny little_ bit, _just _enough so that a strip of skin peeked out from above the hem of her jeans which he just _knew_ would be really soft to tou-

Charlie Kelly decided that maybe getting beans wasn't such a good idea after all and turned to hightail it out of there before the Waitress saw him and decided this would be a good time to try out her new can of mace.

Er… that is, _if_ she had bought a new can of mace. It wasn't like he knew or anything.

Really.

Okay so maybe he still had a _couple_ of spies tailing her around but he had already paid them for a months work before he had made his decision and Charlie was never one to let money go to waste.

"Charlie? You must be _kidding_ me. Is that you?"

He was in deep shit.

Charlie decided that maybe if he ignored her and walked off, she would pass it off as a case of mistaken identity.

"God damn it, Charlie, I know it's you. No one else would wear a shirt that ratty and with that many stains out in public."

The game was up. Charlie wasn't sure how she had seen through the innocent whistling exactly; wasn't that shit meant to make you invisible?

"Awww shi- Heeey oooh. Hey. Fancy seeing you here… er… this is a pleasant turn in events-"

"Save it, Charlie. Leaving me alone huh? First the coffee shop and now this, yeah you're really leaving me alone. You're doing a really good job with that."

"No shit? Really? Well that's awesome 'cause I thought you'd be really ma-"

"I _am_ mad, Charlie. Really, really mad. So mad in fact, that I'm going to-"

Charlie cut her off, chuckling nervously.

"Haha, Okay, alright, let's all just take a step back here, and assess the situation now. No one needs to do… whatever you were going to do… to me. We can all talk this over like adults."

"Charlie, when have you _ever_ had an adult conversation?"

"Whoa, hey now, objection! Slander of the first degree!"

"You've got to be kidding me, that doesn't make any sense-"

"No, no it totally does. It's lawyer speak. It's the stuff lawyers say, you know? You don't know do you? Of course you don't, you're not a lawyer. I'm sorry about that, I won't use any more technical language-"

"Just- just stop talking. I'd ask you why you're here, but I really don't give a damn anymore, so goodbye, Charlie."

Was she leaving? He might not have been stalking her anymore, but that didn't mean Charlie wanted her to leave. Especially if she still thought he was obsessing over her.

Which he wasn't.

Charlie had to set her facts straight.

"H-hey, don't leave! I er… I didn't know-"

"'I didn't know you'd be here? I'm not stalking you, honest to God? This was all just a coincidence? Maybe it's fate?'"

Charlie blinked.

"What? No, that's not what I- Actually, yeah. Huh. You're pretty good."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. I caught one of your 'spies' following me, Charlie, did you think I wouldn't notice the same homeless man following me around for months?"

It was actually years _technically_, but Charlie didn't think that was information she necessarily needed to know.

"Right, well I've actually shut that down now-"

"He followed me to the supermarket today. In fact, he's right over there."

Charlie waved. Bob was a good man.

"Okay, so here's the deal. He's actually on a contract that says he has to follow you till the end of the month… so if you could just like, put up with it for another week or so? Maybe chuck him a few food scraps now and then? That'd be great."

The Waitress stared incredulously.

"I can't believe this. I'm leaving, goodb-"

"I've got a date tonight!"

Charlie's panicked blurting stopped the Waitress mid-whirl.

"Excuse me?"

Charlie let out a relieved sigh.

"Yeah, yeah. I've got a date tonight. Just thought I'd tell you so you'd know I was serious when I said I'd leave you alone."

"_You've_ got a date? With a girl?"

"With a- Wh- Yes! Yes, with a girl! What the hell! Dude, why does everyone think I'm g-"

The Waitress was sceptical.

"What's her name then?"

Charlie cocked an eyebrow.

"Are you jealous? You sound jealous. I can cancel if you want and we can-"

"No I won't- I'm not jealous, Charlie. God! I just have a hard time believing that you of all people managed to fool some poor girl into going out with you."

"Right, right. Well it's Sweet Dee, so you really don't have anything to worry about."

"Charlie, I'm not jealous. And if it's Deandra, then that actually explains a whole lot. You two deserve each other."

"Hey now, there's no need for personal attacks."

The Waitress sighed. Maybe she had been a little harsh, after all, at the very least it did seem like he was trying.

"I'm… sorry. I hope your date goes well."

It didn't make it any easier getting the words out though.

Charlie wasn't sure he had heard right.

"Di- did you just-"

"Yes, Charlie. I did."

"Could you- could you maybe say it one more time?"

The Waitress rolled her eyes; anything to get away faster.

"I said I was sorry Charlie."

"Aaaand just one more time while I get my recorder out…"

"I'm not saying it again."

"Oh come on, just once more."

The Waitress reached into her purse.

* * *

Deandra Reynolds was late for her 'date' with Charlie.

And she did not give a shit.

At all.

"I mean come on, it's just Charlie." She mumbled to herself.

Charlie was a good- a good… Charlie was a friend. And he was a lot of fun when he was drunk, but he wasn't date material. He wasn't even really 'be seen with out in public' material if she was being perfectly truthful.

Still, she had said that she would take him out on a date, and if Deandra Reynolds was anything, she was honest.

Okay so that was a lie, and the only reason she was actually going through with it was so that Mac and Dennis would stop hounding on her about it and because she was feeling a teensy bit sorry for Charlie.

Plus, she did not look like a bird. God damn it!

She pulled up in front of the shitty apartment building Frank and Charlie lived in (how, she did not know- well, actually she did, but that was a horrible experience that she wanted to forget as soon as possible) and headed towards their room.

She pulled open the door to Charlie's apartment without so much as knocking.

"Alright let's get this over wi- Oh God damn it Charlie! How is it even possible to sweat that much!"

The man in question might as well have showered in his clothes, they were that wet.

"Oh I'm sorry, I tried asking my skin to stop, but it just wouldn't listen. My. _Bad_!"

"It's true, he was practically shouting at it all afternoon after he came home."

"You actually- nevermind, of course you did. What happened to your eyes? Jesus, you look like you've been crying all day."

"Ran into the Waitress at the supermarket today, she bought a new can of mace."

"You ran into her _again_, Charlie? Are you sure you've really stopped stalking her?"

"Yes, _Deandra_. I have. Jeeze, let's just go alright?"

"Fine, fine, just- just bring a towel or something to sit on in the car alright? And don't touch me. You're pretty disgusting right now."

Deandra decided that taking Charlie out into public just wasn't going to happen and that maybe a quiet movie and pizza night at her apartment was the best course of action.

A short, and thankfully silent car-ride later, they had arrived at her apartment.

"Soo… this is your place huh? It's er… nice."

"Charlie, you were here just last week trying to fix my TV. It hasn't changed since then."

"Right, right. It's still er… very nice though."

"…Thankyou."

"…You're very welcome."

"Would you like a seat?"

"Oh, I wouldn't want to… intrude… or anything like that…"

"Just take a Goddamned seat, Charlie."

"You think I should take a seat? … yeah I'll take a seat, let's take a seat."

Charlie took a seat.

"So I ordered pizza, barbecue chicken since we both prefer white meat and all, is that alright?"

"Yes. Yes, that would be just fine, thankyou."

Dee stared.

"…Right… and I was thinking maybe we could watch a- a movie or something, you know? Something nice and relaxing, seeing as this is our first date."

Charlie stiffened at the mention of the word 'date'.

"That sounds like it would be perfectly agreeable. Thankyou for the pleasant evening."

"You're supposed to say that at the end of the date, Charlie."

"Thankyou for what will surely be a pleasant evening."

"Ooookay, what movie do you want to watch then? I don't actually own any myself, so I went over to Dennis and Mac's and stole all of theirs. So basically you have a choice between porn or Rambo."

"Whatever you choose will be… fine."

"Well, there's no way in hell I'm watching porn with you, so Rambo it is then."

"Fine."

"Okay then."

"Good."

"It's settled."

"Yeah-Yes."

"Right."

"Oka-"

"Just shut up now."

Charlie and Dee sat in silence.

"So the weather's nice tod-"

The doorbell rang.

"Oh thank God, the pizza's here. Good Lord. I'll get it."

Ten minutes later found Charlie and Dee eating pizza watching John Rambo blowing a bunch of shit up from within the TV set. Charlie was sitting so stiffly that Dee was half-afraid he might snap in half.

"Charlie, you might want to just rela-"

Charlie let out a strangled laugh.

"Relax? What do you mean relax? I'm relaxed. In fact, I'm having a great time, are you having a great time, Dee? This is great. We're great. This is a great time we're having isn't it?"

"…Right, look, Charlie-"

"Yeah. This is amazing, we're having so much fun right now. This is great. This is really, really great."

"Mm hmm-"

"I mean, we're just having the time of our lives aren't we? I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now, because this is great. Great time, we're having."

"Yep-"

"Totally great-"

"This isn't working."

"It isn't working is it?"

"Totally awkward."

"_Totally_ awkward right?"

"I mean, we're friends, and I've known you since high-school…"

"We know each other too well!"

"That's exactly it, we know each other too well, so we know too many of our faults to find each other attractive."

"Like your scoliosis…"

"Your bad hygiene…

"Your crack addiction…"

"The whole glue thing…"

"Your crows feet…"

"Your- what? I do not have-"

"Your fivehead…"

"_Fivehea-_"

"Your age, your general appearance, your personality…"

"Okay, I think that's enough-"

"Your uncanny resemblance to Big Bird…"

"_I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A BIRD!_"

"Well shit, Dee, you kinda do."

"I do no- Okay you know what? Get out of my apartment."

"What with the freaky tallness, the yellow hair and the stick legs, you even eat kinda like a bird!"

"Get out!"

"You know, I'm surprised you even decided to get a cat, 'cause cats eat birds and all and-"

"Charlie. I swear to God, get out of my apartment."

"Does this mean we're breaking up?"

"There _was_ nothing to break up! God damn it, why did I ever agree to this?"

"Don't ask me, dude, wasn't my idea. You're the one who asked me out."

"Just get outta here."

Dee slammed the door shut behind Charlie.

"_God damn it_ Charlie."

* * *

**Footnote:** And that's Chapter 5. Surprisingly hard to write, hopefully the 'date' was sufficiently awkward though. Hope you enjoyed it! By the way, I've been having Sunny withdrawals lately and have taken to re-watching the first five seasons. September has never seemed so far away.

Feedback would be much appreciated.


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